“Discovering how to live while accepting I am dying has taught me so much about myself”, she says.
When she was 18, Laura lost her mum in a very sudden and traumatic way; she was on life support and died soon after.
“Us children weren’t supported and that grief consumed me throughout my early adulthood, spilled into every aspect of my life”, Laura says.
Years later, as an adult, Laura had a friend who was dying under hospice care. Having open and honest conversations with him and supporting him through his final days helped deal with her own grieving process deeply.
These two contrasting experiences shaped how Laura wishes to live the end of her life now: what she wants, what she doesn’t want, and how she wants to support her 15 and 17-year-old children through it.
Laura wasn’t sure she was going to survive the surgery she had to undertake the same day she discovered she had a large tumour perforating her bowel.
The surgery however was a success, and it was followed by intensive treatments. Some were more effective than others, as Laura’s cancer came with the BRAF genetic mutation that leads to a much faster growth and disease progression.
Despite all of these challenges, Laura says she “ had 14 wonderful months where I got to be a mum, a wife, an auntie”
She speaks incredibly highly of the support she received from the surgical team at Princess Royal and her oncologist at Guy’s Hospital.
“they were absolutely incredible from the beginning”.
“Being at home has helped for it all to feel normal,” Laura continues. “We’ve remained a family unit and the boys bring me their problems from their daily life”. She knows her children’s worlds will change profoundly very soon and that her role as a mother has been about managing anticipatory grief.
Speaking about death and loss with teenagers can be challenging, but Laura emphasises the importance of being open, honest and avoiding euphemisms.
“I have a wonderful husband and we both make it very clear to the boys that there isn’t a question that’s off the table; we allow them to question. We also try to make them understand it’s ok to laugh and go out with friends”.
“We didn’t know it was going to end like this but there was always a chance,” says Laura’s husband Ben. “We always told them [the children] what was happening, what we thought was going to happen and the worst-case scenario”. It was important to both that their children understood what happened so they wouldn’t be scared or surprised.
“People can’t bring themselves to say stuff to children, so they don’t”, Ben says, “but being upfront about things has worked for us all the way through”.
The school has also been crucial throughout this journey and Laura happily shares they have gone above and beyond. At home, their family has focused on creating memories together and documenting as much as possible.
“I have a background in photography so I’ve been making scrapbooks for years; I’ve always wanted them to have tangible memories for later, so they can look back on them”.
Laura sees losing her mum so unexpectedly as having influenced how she is a mum and a wife now, giving her an opportunity to “write” a different version of how death and dying can be experienced as a family.
“We have achieved a lot together, but we wanted to grow old and do a lot more”, Ben shares.
This has been a very trying time but also a valuable one, which both Laura and Ben consider a blessing, having time to prepare themselves. Ben thinks that strength is dealing with your emotions and allowing yourself to cry.
“I cry with her”, he says. He has been surprised by how Laura’s illness journey has changed how he sees life; he feels like he has come to terms with his own mortality and that he doesn’t need to get to 90 to live a full life. It comes from a place of seeing how peaceful and how in control one can be about their illness and the end of their life, and how beautiful it can be.
This has been something that both Laura and Ben say St Christopher’s Hospice has supported them with. In the short time that they have been under St Christopher’s care, their understanding of what to expect has been strengthened. They also feel at ease knowing there is always someone on the other end of the phone, giving support, advice and signposting to a different team if needed.
“It’s the only reason she is at home; the hospice is helping her feel she is in control and it is reassuring to know she can go into the inpatient unit when things change further and I can no longer look after her”.
Laura mentioned distance hasn’t been in her favour and she would have liked to connect with her loved ones more. It’s with sadness she shares it has been difficult to know some have chosen “not to see and remember her like this”.
She understands she looks a little different now, however she sees this process as an incredible opportunity to connect with those important to her. By holding back, they might be sacrificing meaningful moments and lasting memories, especially as she feels the best version of herself.
The common offer, “If there’s anything you need,” often misses the mark. While well-intentioned, it places the burden on the person who can be unclear about what they need at a particular moment.
“It makes sense from their point of view, but we don’t know what it means, what they can offer”, Ben said. He worries he may sound ungrateful however it can be a hard offer to follow up on.
“There’s not much people can really do, we are all coping. I have a friend who just showed up with a take-away, and it was lovely. For me it helps when they say ‘I’m coming in’ instead of ‘do you want me to come in?’, because if they ask I might say no, I don’t want to make a fuss”.
The rugby team his children played for have also given the family a gift card for take-out food, which means a lot. It isn’t about the money, but the thought. They have a fridge filled with bolognaise, Ben shares, so useful for days when they don’t feel like cooking.
For the people who are closer to them, Ben shares, “the best you can do is to come around with some food, or to say hello. Those people know who they are. If they’re not that close, maybe call before you come or if you come to the doorstep and ask if it’s ok to come in, be prepared to hear ‘no, not at the moment’”.
“As a society we shy away from the process of dying. By doing that, we reinforce negative ideas around death; people think death is always going to be painful and traumatic, but it doesn’t have to be.”
Laura knows people can’t ignore the fact she is young, but she but genuinely feels at peace. She has lived this period of her life with immense joy, savouring something good every day.
“I can’t say I have had bad days, they’ve mostly been amazing, some fabulous, some incredible [laughs]. Some of the happiest days of my life have been in the last few weeks”.
Her church, St Giles in Farnborough, Orpington, has also been a source of comfort. Her faith, Laura says, has helped her find strength every day.
While not everyone’s experience of reaching the end of their life will be as peaceful and joyful as Laura’s, her experience offers valuable lessons. She sees her diagnosis as a privilege, allowing her to prepare herself and her loved ones, and to use the precious time she has left to live in a way that truly makes her happy.
“Deep down we all know we are going to die. Cancer has forced me to acknowledge it. Since then I’ve lived more fully than I’ve ever done, and that has been a gift.”
—————–
This article is republished from the St Christopher’s website with permission.
Leave a Reply