The holidays exacerbate feelings of grief and it is normal to look at these days in a different light – it’s just not the same as it was. The fact is, these past few weeks since I arrived back have been very difficult emotionally. From that first moment I walked into the house and realized Dad was really gone to the feelings of guilt I have experienced dealing with the what’s next question; I feel like I have not been here for my family, not present and in the moment like I had been for so many others over 6,000 kms, as I wrestle with decisions about opportunities.
The calmness and serenity of the open road brought me such peace and now facing big decisions and the rush of this other life with deadlines wears on me. I need to soak in these moments with family and be there for them as they have been for me.
When Dad was sick, he would spend his nights in the living room on the recliner, looking out the window to his garden. Now, my mother looks out that same window, faced with thoughts of a life without her partner and it saddens me; her grief ebbs and flows like a wave and there is no doubt that Dad’s absence this Christmas will have a profound effect on our whole family.
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