MORE than eight out of 10 bereaved parents said they feel people have forgotten their child, because nobody says their name anymore, a study into child loss has found.
Some bereaved parents even reported people crossing the street to avoid them and said they have lost friends because people just don’t know how to act.
The research – conducted by Derian House Children’s Hospice and thought to be one of the largest studies of bereaved parents in the UK in recent years – found that 87% of parents felt nobody, other than close family, talks about their child anymore.
It was used to open up the conversation around death and dying Dying Matters Week, running from 6 to 12 May, 2024
Researchers at the charity spoke to 70 families whose loss spanned more than three decades.
The over-riding finding was that that bereaved families desperately want you to talk about their child, and that nothing someone can say will ever as bad as simply avoiding the subject.
The charity has launched a campaign called Say my Child’s Name, which aims to tackle the stigma around child loss.
It has used the families’ own words to create a practical how-to guide for friends and family to help them know what to say and what not to say (see guide here: www.derianhouse.co.uk/bereavement)
A powerful video has also been created to spread the message on social media. Watch here: Say My Child’s Name – YouTube.
The hospice has used the research to deliver grief and bereavement communication training to almost 100 medical professionals from across Lancashire and South Cumbria, after some parents said they didn’t feel they knew how to speak to them compassionately.
Kiki Deville, Patron of Derian House Children’s Hospice, whose son Dexter died of Zellweger Syndrome in 2007, aged just one month and three days-old, said: “When your child dies, after a while nobody says their name anymore, and that really hurts.
“What we desperately want people to know is that speaking about our child won’t upset us or remind us that they’re gone – we are always thinking about them anyway. To a bereaved parent, our child’s name is the sweetest word in the whole world and we love nothing more than speaking about them.”
Kirsty Prescott, of Wigan, whose baby daughter Iris passed away aged three-weeks-old, said: “When Iris first passed away in November 2021 we felt a very tight network around us. As time has continued it has changed considerably in not hearing Iris’s name as much.
“I’d say to everyone please don’t be scared of saying her name to us, don’t be worried you’re going to make us feel awkward. It’s OK for people to say to us ‘What do you think Iris would be like now? Do you think she’d have a bubbly little personality?”
As part of the campaign, more than 150 bereaved families from across the UK have taken up an offer by Derian House of receiving a free individually-designed ink stamp to use when signing greetings cards, as a way of including the child who has passed away. Many had expressed that they felt awkward writing their name, but also leaving them off.
Karen Edwards OBE, Chief Executive of Derian House Children’s Hospice, said: “We are passionate about breaking down barriers and opening up the conversation around child loss at Derian House. Now, thanks to the generosity and bravery of the 70 families who opened their hearts to speak to us, we have been able to create a practical guide for everyone on how to speak to someone who has suffered the loss of a child.
“Nobody wants to upset someone whose child has died and so many people opt for the safe option and say nothing. What our families have told us is that this is the worst thing they could do – it makes them feel isolated and hurt.
“Something as small as mentioning their child’s name or sharing a memory can make such a huge difference.”
———————
For your bravery, honesty and generosity in our research. Thank you to the parents of:
Abigail, Yaaseen, Jorgie, Timothy, Michael, Florence, Emma, Alexandra, Sarah, Rebecca, Shay, Freya, Milly-Rose, Lillie-mae, Ellis, Sandro, Michael, Rhodri, Leo, Link, Rory, Alfie, Abdullah, Baran, Thomas, Kieran, Ellis, George, Saqib, George, Iris, Jake, Michael, Natalie, Logan, Kaden, Eva, Mason, Kathryn, Sally, Lily-Mai, Alfie, Ted, Oliver, Ada Rose, Ronnie, Charlie, Ross, Alicia, Harry, Hannah, Kirsty, Katy, Timmy, Stanley, Harvey, Jake, Rachel, Adele, Harper-Rose, Charlotte, Lauren, Melanie, Lauren, Jayden, Jamie, Melanie, Lilliana, Kenton, Jennifer, Christopher, Eleanor Rose, Felix, Victoria, Harry.
———————-
Leave a Reply