In this blog, Sue Bryane explains how her work with the Death Café movement has led her to believe that talking about death is no longer the taboo it once was, but what we lack is the understanding of how to talk about death and dying.
Sue Brayne has an MA in the Rhetoric and Rituals of Death and is an end-of-life researcher. She is the author of The D-Word: talking about dying, Living Fully, Dying Consciously, the path to spiritual wellbeing, and Nearing the End of Life: a guide for family and friends of the dying.
She is also the host of Embracing Your Mortality podcast, where she explores life, death, and consciousness with a host of fascinating guests.
It’s not that death is taboo…
Most of the clicks I receive on my website are for What happens physically when someone dies? followed by How do you know someone is entering their dying process?
It goes to show that irrespective of how death is slowly becoming less taboo and more openly discussed, we are still ill-informed about what the dying process looks like.
This means that many of us not only view death and dying with dread, but are unprepared to deal with the issues that confront us when someone we love is dying. We don’t know what to expect or how to react, or how to provide the support our dying relative or friend really needs.
This is especially true when people die in hospitals. It’s easy to become enmeshed in clinical processes and practices which are wrapped up in medical jargon. The emphasis is placed on providing life-extending treatment, and our own desire for our relative or friend to ‘recover’ rather than what the dying person really needs.
In addition, our Western science-based culture expects a doctor’s task to be seen above all as saving and preserving life. Consequently, death is often seen as a medical failure. Therefore, the dying process can become something of a game of pretence, instead of a meaningful spiritual progression where everyone concerned can face the truth and grow together.
The failure to name the d-word can be distressing to everyone. Relatives may know the person is dying but are fearful of making things worse by talking about it; the dying person may be afraid of discussing it for fear of upsetting their relatives. Death becomes the ‘elephant in the room’.
So, what can do we do about it?
The reticence to address the d-word has motivated me to spend the past thirty years helping people to talk more honestly and openly about death and dying. I have achieved this through facilitating workshops and retreats as well as through my book, The D-Word: talking about dying, where I interviewed palliative care doctors and nurses, relatives, and the dying about their experience of opening difficult conversations about the end of life.
During these heartfelt interviews, I came to the conclusion that it’s not so much that death is a taboo subject. If you provide a space for someone to talk about death and dying and you can be there for a long time. Rather, it’s that we don’t know how to talk about it. Therefore, I believe it is ignorance that closes down these important discussions.
The Death Café movement
This realisation inspired me to join the Death Café movement, set up by Jon Underwood in 2011.
Jon was a Buddhist and felt his life’s work was to create an organisation which offered people a safe and confidential space where they could come and talk about death and dying in any way they wanted to. I have run well over a hundred of these meetings, and I am always profoundly touched by the way people express their relief and gratitude for having the opportunity to explore their experiences of death and dying without fear of causing distress to someone or being told they are morbid. In my experience, they are filled with courage, searing honesty, and lots of laughter alongside a few tears.
For me, Death Cafés provide an essential place for people to discuss what it’s like to sit beside someone who is dying, or to express their grief, or perhaps shame and guilt, for not being there, or seeking reassurance from others that in often difficult or fraught circumstances, they did the best they possibly could for the dying person. Death can be a messy business for everyone involved.
The main thing is that participants, who arrive as strangers, open their hearts to each other within minutes, and often acknowledge they are revealing thoughts and feelings they have never told another person; the relief is palpable.
Therefore, I would urge anyone who is facing the death of someone close to them to start learning about what is involved and to find a Death Café so they can talk about their fears with those who have already been through it.
Whether in person or online, something very precious arises in a group where labels are stripped away, and we willingly face each other as vulnerable human beings who are experiencing the same great cycle of life and death. For me, talking and educating myself about death and dying makes life real and heartfelt, and it instils in me how we are all in this together.
For more conversations about death and dying, visit our Conversation Library.
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This article is republished from Part of LifeBereavementConversationDestigmatising death with permission.
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