ehospice spoke to Paul Parsons, the Bromley Bereavement Co-ordinator – a free service run by St Christopher’s Hospice – to find out why the Christmas period can be so difficult for people who are grieving, and some tips to help them through the holidays.
Do you see an increase in the need for bereavement support at Christmas time? And if so, why is this?
With most clients, yes. It is a family oriented time and this can be difficult. It is an unknown territory, especially if it is the first Christmas without the loved one.
There are overwhelming seasonal expectations, so it depends if the client feels they must perform for the sake of the rest of the family or friends, which can be contrasting to the feeling of emptiness and grief.
This time of year also highlights the absence of the deceased and there is a realisation of life carrying on without the loved one.
What are the most common reasons for seeking support at this time?
As well as all of the above, there may be added cultural difficulties. The client might feel that they cannot burden other people with their sadness especially during a happy Christmas time.
The nature of their grief can be complicated and might not be easy to share with family and friends, in which case talking to a stranger is a more suitable option.
What service does Bromley Bereavement service offer over the holiday period?
Bereavement service volunteers are still available for supporting clients on a 1-1 basis. And our helpline is also available: 020 8768 4595
Signposting is an important part of the Bromley Bereavement service; informing vulnerable clients about other services available throughout Christmas period.
We also offer social events including the lighting of a candle to remember a loved one.
What advice can you offer to those who are suffering a bereavement? For example, coping mechanisms.
- Try to establish who can help them during the festive period. What can they look forward to?
- Be gentle on themselves.
- Have a couple of plans for each day as if the first one becomes too difficult to do on the day it is comforting to know there is an alternative.
- Consider if honouring and remembering the loved one can have a positive effect on how they feel. Doing something they planned but never got around to it.
- Identify the people who can provide the best support and use them. It can be hard for others to know what to say or do – so you may have to ask them for help or support as they will want to help during this time.
‘Acknowledge your feelings’
According to Buckinghamshire charity Child Bereavement UK, the focus on family around Christmas can make it very tough for some people.
Director of Bereavement Services Anne Roland echoes much of Paul Parson’s advice and says families who have lost someone close should talk about it before Christmas Day as the way families cope can be very different:
“Families tell us that the run up to Christmas – with all the anticipation and excitement that accompanies it – can be harder to deal with than the actual day itself. Often, people feel they don’t have the heart for shopping for presents, sending cards or entering into festivities – yet if there are children in the family, it is unlikely that Christmas can be ignored.
“It is important to make time to acknowledge your feelings. Being with friends who understand and will accept you however you are and allow you to laugh, cry and remember can help you through the day. Don’t expect too much of yourself; grieving is exhausting and, especially in the early days, can leave you with little energy for much else.
“Doing something special in memory the person who has died can be an important part of Christmas for some families – visiting a significant place, hanging a special decoration on the tree, or lighting a candle that burns in their memory are just some of the things families have done.
“While some people find comfort in doing the things they always did as a way of remembering that person, others find it more helpful to do something completely different. What matters is that, as far as possible, you are able to do whatever feels right for you.”
National Helpline
And for the first time, the Cruse Bereavement Care National Helpline will be open for normal hours across the whole Christmas period, including Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Day.
The Cruse National Helpline is staffed by trained bereavement support volunteers, who offer emotional support to anyone affected by a bereavement.
The number is: 0844 477 9400 and the opening hours over the festive period are as follows:
Monday: 9.30 – 5pm
Tuesday: 9.30 – 8pm
Wednesday: 9.30 – 8pm
Thursday: 9.30 – 8pm
Friday: 9.30 – 5pm
You can find more advice and information on the Bromley Bereavement Service website. ehospice will be finding out how St Christopher’s Hospice have developed this service in more detail in the new year.
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