Bereavement Companionship: A Luxury or Societal Standard?

Categories: Care.

My journey into understanding grief began with a deeply personal experience. Growing up in a small village in Kerala, India, I always believed in the strength of close-knit communities. However, when I lost my elder sister at a young age, I discovered a painful truth: even in tight-knit communities, grief is often misunderstood and not properly supported.

The Personal Experience of Grief:

I was just a second grader, focused on school, friends, and play, unaware of the harsh realities of loss. One day, when I returned home from school, I found a crowd outside our house—relatives, neighbors, and many unfamiliar faces. They were standing together, talking in low voices, with serious expressions that I couldn’t understand.

I remember thinking: What’s going on? When I stepped inside, I saw two policemen talking to my uncle. My mother was sitting in a corner, crying. Slowly, I began to piece together what had happened: my elder sister, Rejina, who had always been like a second mother to me, was missing…

The news didn’t make sense. Just that morning, she had kissed me goodbye as I left for school. Did I sense something was wrong in her behaviour? I don’t know. The next day, my father, who had been working abroad, arrived home.

I remember walking into our house and seeing a gathering of relatives, all crying. My aunt took me to stay with my cousin in our ancestral home. And then, the truth hit: I had lost my sister to suicide. I felt a deep sadness, but did I cry? I honestly can’t say.

When I returned home a few days later, the funeral had already taken place. I never got a chance to say goodbye to my sister, to see her one last time, or to face the reality of what had happened.

Now, through the grief support I’ve learned in the Bereavement Companionship Program, I’ve come to understand seeing the body of a loved one is an important part of the grieving process. This is a key element of the first step of the TEAR model, which was developed using J.W. Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning—a framework created to guide individuals through the complexities of loss

What happened after her death still stays with me. I remember the scene outside our gate. Our house help was burning my sister’s belongings. As I moved closer, I saw that a photo album, with her picture inside, was being destroyed by the flames. In that moment, I realized someone had decided to erase all memories of her.

The idea was to “move on” by removing painful reminders. But I now know that memories don’t disappear with objects. Our minds hold on to them, no matter what happens. In the days after her death, no one asked how I felt. No one reached out to offer comfort or talk to me about what had happened. My grief went unnoticed. I felt invisible, as if my pain didn’t matter. I began blaming everyone—my parents for sending me away, my sister for leaving, even the relatives who made decisions for me without asking how I felt.

But as I look back now, I realize that blaming others didn’t help. The truth is, I grew up in a society that didn’t truly understand grief. It was something we were expected to just “get over” quickly.

This experience has taught me how crucial it is to be there for someone who is grieving, to offer support and companionship as they navigate their pain. From my work and personal experience, I’ve come to realize that grief is something you have to walk through, with others by your side, until you can come to terms with your loss and keep your loved one alive in your heart and memories.

 

The Genesis of the Bereavement Companionship Programme

The COVID-19 pandemic was an unprecedented global crisis that forced people to confront profound questions about life, death, and the connections that sustain us.

In the early stages of the pandemic, Kerala implemented a strict lockdown to curb the spread of the virus. This caused significant disruption in access to medical care, especially for individuals in need of palliative or regular ongoing treatment. In response, the Institute of Palliative Medicine (IPM), where I work, quickly established a helpline, supported by a team of dedicated volunteers, doctors, and police personnel.

This service became a vital lifeline, offering tele-consultations and medication delivery to those in need. At its peak, we were receiving over 300 calls a day.

As the pandemic progressed, particularly during the devastating second wave, our helpline began to receive a growing number of calls from people suffering emotional anguish due to the loss of loved ones. With strict COVID-19 protocols in place, families were unable to be with their loved ones in their final moments.

Traditional mourning practices—such as family gatherings, funerals, and rites—were either limited or completely disrupted. As a result, many people were left grieving in isolation, deprived of the emotional support they would typically receive from family and community. These calls highlighted an urgent gap in our community’s support systems: while Kerala is renowned for its comprehensive palliative care model, which includes over 700 community-led services, there was little to no provision for structured emotional support for the bereaved.

It was clear that bereavement support is not a luxury; it is a societal necessity. This understanding led us to consider a new approach—one that could offer bereaved individuals compassionate companionship during their most vulnerable moments. Under the mentorship of Dr. Suresh Kumar, the founder director of IPM, we embarked on a collaborative effort to address this gap. We reached out to Kerrie Noonan, an expert in death literacy in Australia and the founder of the Death Literacy Institute. We conducted focus group discussions with individuals who had experienced loss both during and prior to the pandemic

The insights from these discussions were illuminating. The notion that grief support is a natural process, something that just “happens” within close-knit communities, was shattered by the painful stories we heard.

Many bereaved individuals expressed that, despite receiving practical help—such as assistance with cooking or childcare—no one had asked how they were feeling or what they were experiencing emotionally.

Worse still, some well-meaning visitors inadvertently made matters worse with unhelpful or dismissive remarks, further deepening the pain.From these conversations, we realized that there was an urgent need for trained individuals who could offer compassionate companionship.

The idea of “bereavement companionship” emerged as a solution—training individuals to become companions for the bereaved, not therapists, but skilled listeners and supporters who could help navigate the emotional landscape of grief.

Thus, the Bereavement Companionship Programme was born. The goal of the program is to equip community members—whether family members, friends, neighbours, or colleagues—with the skills and knowledge to offer sensitive and informed support to those in mourning.

We wanted to ensure that at least one person in every circle of support—whether it be a family visit, a neighbourhood check-in, or a workplace interaction—had the training to provide emotional comfort and companionship. These trained companions are not there to offer solutions or fix the grief; their role is to listen, validate, and walk alongside the bereaved during their mourning.

We piloted the Bereavement Companionship Programme as an online course, and the response was overwhelmingly positive. Participants expressed a deep sense of relief and gratitude, noting that the training gave them the tools to provide a kind of support they had never known how to offer before. The program’s success encouraged us to further develop the curriculum, and we began hosting regular workshops at IPM, with occasional online sessions to reach a wider audience.

The Bereavement Companionship Model

The Bereavement Companionship Programme aims to fill the gap between informal support and professional counselling. It is not about “fixing” grief or offering unsolicited advice, but about being present—providing a listening ear, validating emotions, and creating space for the bereaved to express their pain. This program is built on the understanding that grief is not linear and that support is needed not just in the immediate aftermath of loss but long after the funeral is over.

The training includes:

  1. Grief Awareness and Models: Educating participants on the nature of grief, its emotional complexity, and the different ways it manifests.
  2. The Role of the Companion: Emphasizing the importance of listening without judgment, offering validation, and avoiding platitudes that often trivialize the bereaved’s experience.
  3. Grief as a Non-Linear Process: Grief does not follow a set timeline, and bereavement companions are trained to understand that grief may resurface unexpectedly, long after the initial loss.
  4. Supporting Grieving Children: Recognizing that children grieve differently and offering age-appropriate support to help them process loss.
  5. Emotional Resilience and Self-Care: Preparing companions to offer support without compromising their own emotional well-being, thus preventing burnout.

The program’s success has been measured not only through direct feedback from participants but also through ongoing evaluation, which takes into account cultural variations in the experience of grief. What has become clear is that bereavement companionship is not just a niche service but an essential part of creating a compassionate society.

 

The Community-Led Approach to Bereavement Support

A supportive community is key to helping individuals process their loss in a healthy way. The Bereavement Companionship Programme proposes a community-based model with three interconnected support systems, where grief is not only addressed by professionals but also by those within the bereaved person’s close social circles.

  1. Personal Support System: Immediate family and close friends form the first line of emotional support. This is the most vital circle, as these individuals often provide the greatest comfort.
  2. Community Support System: This includes neighbours, colleagues, and other social connections. It is here that trained bereavement companions play a crucial role, offering emotional support when the personal network may fall short.
  3. Professional Support System: For individuals whose grief becomes complex, professional help is necessary. This includes grief counsellors, therapists, and mental health professionals.

Let me close with a reflection on a quote by Kahlil Gibran:

It is said that before entering the sea, a river trembles with fear. She looks back at the path she has travelled, from the peaks of the mountains, the long winding road crossing forests and villages. And in front of her, she sees an ocean so vast, that to enter there seems nothing more than to disappear forever”.

This metaphor beautifully reflects the journey of grief. Like the river standing at the edge of the ocean, those who grieve often look back at their past, at the life they once shared with their loved one, and feel the overwhelming uncertainty of the vast unknown that lies ahead.

But, just as the river must flow into the ocean, we too must face our grief—not by letting it consume us or forcing ourselves to move on, but by embracing it, allowing it to shape us as we grow around it.

Saif Mohammed

Academic Consultant

Institute of Palliative Medicine, WHO CC

saifsabil@gmail.com

This article was adapted from my speech delivered at the PHPCI Conference in Bern

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Lead illustration:  The ‘If Tomorrow Starts Without You’ Reflective Exercise of the Bereavement Companionship Workshop

The participants from Philippines after successfully completing the Bereavement Companionship Training

Figure 3The Monthly face to face Bereavement Companionship Workshop at Institute of Palliative Medicine

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