How to think about death (and life)

Death is one of the only certain things in our lives, but we rarely talk or even think about it. In the modern world we are largely shielded from the reality of death until it directly affects us and people we know.

This can be a problem, as we can be ill-prepared to deal with the reality of our own death, how to come to terms with it or even how to plan our preferences for arrangements around it. It can also make it harder for us to come to terms with the death of friends and loved ones, or be able to support other people who need us at these times. Often, when we do get round to thinking about death, it is with a sense of fear, panic or denial.

At Life Squared we believe that being able to think about death in a wise way is a critical life skill, as it could enable us to live fuller, better lives while we have the chance and, possibly, die better deaths. So, in collaboration with Dying Matters, we have produced a free digital booklet to help people do this, exploring some ways we could begin to contemplate the subject of death.

In this article, we’ll explore one of the questions covered in the booklet – how we can think about our own death and life in ways that could improve our experience of both. And rather than starting by thinking about death, let’s think about life.

1. Appreciate the fact that you are alive

You are alive. Isn’t that amazing?

Many of us tend to be so busy and absorbed in the rush of everyday living that we rarely (if ever) take time to step back from our lives and appreciate the remarkable fact that we are alive.

We live on a planet that is a tiny speck in the universe, and that has the highly fortunate placement in its solar system to be able to accommodate life. Through a lucky draw in the evolutionary lottery, you were born and have survived up to this point where you are now reading this article. What’s more, you have been born into a species with the capacity to reflect on your own existence – a quality that, as far as we know, most other species do not possess.

Learning to appreciate life like this, and reminding yourself about it regularly, can be one of the great pleasures of life, and can provide us with a real sense of meaning. It can also help us think about death in a more realistic and helpful way.

2. See life as the exception, not the norm

It is easy for us to have a negative and doom-laden attitude to the idea of our own lives and deaths. We often see our life as the focus point, and death as the end of it, where there begins an infinite period of nothing. But why can’t we see it the other way round?

Rather than seeing death as the exception and life as the rule (ie death as the end of a life, and something to be dreaded), perhaps we should see life as the exception – a brief, but amazing flash of light – a window within the darkness of non-existence that we should make every moment of whilst we have the profound luck to appreciate the experience of existing.

3. Accept you’re ultimately not in control

The other comforting thing about our own death is that there is nothing we can do about it when it ultimately happens (although this doesn’t of course mean that we don’t have choice and control in our end of life care).

So, although it may be intensely sad to leave behind all the things that come with being an experiencing creature, if we can come to terms with the fact that we have no choice but to leave them behind, we can allow ourselves a more peaceful, fulfilling death. For some people this acceptance doesn’t happen until near the very end of life, but it is part of letting go.

4. Let your life flash before your eyes whilst you’re living

The reality is that life may not ‘flash before our eyes’ in a neat way before we die. We may not get the chance for a final ‘review’ of our lives or to reflect upon the journey we’ve been on just before we die – which, for many of us, would seem a great shame.

So, why not spend some regular time reviewing the journey of your life and being thankful while you are living? In other words live “with the constant awareness that one’s existence is not only finite but always in danger of ending unexpectedly.”(1: p.242) It could make your life feel more enjoyable and fulfilled.

5. Understand what death is like – to help you deal with it

It can be useful to develop an understanding of what happens to people’s bodies and minds when they die, and what the dying person and those around them are likely to go through during that process, so that our expectations of this process are more realistic when it happens.

6. Understand what death is like – to help you truly live

The reality of death for many people is not glamorous. It doesn’t take place in a way that we would see as particularly dignified while we are healthy, and also often takes place in mundane, familiar places such as hospital wards, nursing homes and your own bedroom. So – death is the ultimate leveller – make sure your life that precedes it is better than mundane.

You can download ‘How to think about death (and life)’ from the Life Squared website.